Part 4

My wife actually tried some of the online personality tests.  In four different tests, she got these results:
  1. INTJ
  2. ESTP or ESFP
  3. ISFJ
  4. ISTJ
I strongly suspect the reason for this is that she answered many of the questions how she thought she should answer them, rather than how she really feels about them.  I mentioned that I thought her either to be INTJ or ISTJ, and I went off to the sites to see what they say.  Each had elements of correctness (more so the ISTJ), but neither really nailed it, and she agreed with me on this.  She is not E, I am fairly certain, and she is so far over into being a J that #2 needs to be tossed out (she said, “That one was from the U.K.”, as if that was the only explanation needed).  So that leaves #3: ISFJ, eh?  I hadn’t really given it much thought, but it is possible.  Anything, as is said, is possible.
So, after reading through ISFJ, I am pretty certain this is her.  Much of it, when I read through and really think about it, fits.  So what does that mean?  Well, a quick check of the forums leaves me with the impression that we’re DOOMED.  Doomed I say!  Any relationship between those two types is bound to fail!  No communication, continual misunderstandings, doom on a stick!
Once again, though, a bit more research helps.  Checking around the forums, pretty much Every Other Type© has been proclaimed to be ‘completely incompatible’ with the poor old INTP.  Most were along the lines of: “My boyfriend of six years was a XXXX and he never understood me and we never talked and so we broke up and boo hoo.”  While I have no wish to belittle anyone’s pain (too late; just did), the overall impression I got was that a lot of people had relationships go south and then blamed it on the personality types involved.  From all over the Type spectrum.
Am I saying there is smooth sailing?  Of course not.  If she does agree that she is ISFJ, and we work within those frameworks, we now have given it a name(1), and can use that information, and knowledge of our own tendencies, and the habits of our partner, to build a stronger relationship.  But it still takes work.  I just now have a map to where my best efforts can be headed, where to compromise, and where to learn.  We’re great, so far (seven years) – and I think it can be even stronger, and want to make it so.
(1) It has been my experience that the first step in solving a problem is to ‘give it a name’.  That is, get inside it and define exactly what we are setting out to solve.  It focuses my mind and attention on the true nature of the problem, because left to myself I will be down every rabbit hole along the way.