Discovering that I am INTP, and that there is this wealth of like-minded individuals posting their experiences on the web, has been revelatory. This morning, during my daily commute, I thought that it is like how it must feel to find out you were adopted. Now, I can explain all these traits coming from my nature that were not bulldozed by my nurture. It has made me want to explore this further, using those signposts found in books and websites and in the forums by those that have tread this path before.
And therein is a problem. While I am daydreaming about wide open spaces, the high desert or the windswept coast, I suddenly find myself a couple of blocks from work with little idea how I got there. My mind can sometimes go on 'auto-pilot', which is nice to know, but also a bit chilling when it happens.
But even more to the point, when would I be able to do this exploration? I would love to take two or three weeks and go somewhere, either stay at a hotel at the beach or set up a tent in the mountains (or vice versa, I'm easy) and just think and think. Clean out some mental garbage, and get back to some of the basics. I have already rediscovered a few of them, but it feels like there is more to be unearthed.
I wonder though, if there are not more influences in play. My dislike for the tedium of my job, for instance, tends to make me a bit more anti-social. Also, my age is such that it is possible that I am undergoing the 'mid-life crisis'. Jung thought that this is a normal part of maturing:
- Confusion about who they are and where they are going.
- Questioning the choices they have made in their lives and the validity of decisions they made years before.
- Feeling a need for adventure and change.
- Afraid of not attaining goals they have set for themselves.
There is also a bunch of family/relationship stuff (resentment, anger, &c), but I'm not feeling any of that part of it. That last one above is interesting, because I realized years ago that I simply had no goals in life, apart from remaining comfortable. I guess my goal was always to have enough money that I didn't have to work, and could just chase whatever rabbits interested me. I included that point in the list, however, to substitute for the vague feeling of 'I could be more.' It is tied up with the second point.
I don't feel the need to buy a red sports car (way too impractical) and there's no way I would leave my family, two of the more typical symptoms. Maybe my dissatisfaction with work and the tempting visions of the wide open spaces are all that it is. But maybe this restlessness is an opportunity to make myself into something better. Certainly, feeling more comfortable in my own skin would help.
If only I had the time and space to think about it...
heh.
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