I, INTP 6

Part 6

The most interesting part of this to me, so far, has just been the fact that it’s not just me.  Somewhere between 1-5 percent of the population has the same quirks and nervous tics, the same detachment, the same fatigue of people, the same desire to think and think about things.

It’s funny, re-reading that sentence my first thought is, ‘if you’re so independent all the time, why does it matter to know that others think the same way?  Huh, Mr. Big Shot INTP?’  That’s a very good question.  I will just say that when I was reading the forums a couple of weeks ago, I came across a thread about INTPs not having the feeling of belonging anywhere.  I almost posted – just reading that thread made me feel like I did belong somewhere, that I had found ‘my people’.  It was a joy and a relief that I cannot yet explain (give me a couple of weeks to think about it…). 

My mother died when I was sixteen years old.  It was a car accident – I was there.  I had always figured (thought, assumed) that it was her death that made me clam up and retreat; that the event, the shock of it and its suddenness, drained my ability for high emotions, gave me a lifelong tendency towards sluggishness and melancholy.  I was always a thinker and a bit of a dreamer, but why couldn’t I ever finish anything?  Why couldn’t I connect with the people around me?

Over the years I have struggled with this, calling myself lazy (so that others didn’t have to), trying out time management systems or false enterprises of activities to ‘jumpstart’ myself.  I have learned how to small talk and complete the social niceties.  I have stayed clean and employed, and have never tried drugs (beyond alcohol, and that in moderation). 

My mantra of the last few years has been ‘no excuses’, and it has been good for me.  No one likes a whiner, and I was a whiner to end all whiners.  I am a much more rounded person today, through actively addressing my shortcomings, and with the love of my wife and family.  I am not so bad off.  Yet, I look back and think, what if I had known twenty years ago what I have learned in the past month?  What if I had been playing to my strengths, and intelligently mitigating my weakness, over all this time?

I can’t begrudge, though, any of my decisions, because without them I would not be where I am, and I am definitely happy with my life and my little family.  Except the job, but I can deal with that in the short term.  Good house in great neighborhood, freedom from want, freedom to do many things.

I am INTP.  I am the Idea Guy©.  I may be standoffish, aloof, and slightly misanthropic.  I may be a know-it-all and flaunt my excessively large and useless vocabulary.  Sometimes I float through life sideways.  But I am calm in a crisis, creative and far-seeing, tolerant and flexible.  I know who I am, and it makes me stronger.